I absolutely LOVE this article. It was an assigned reading for an English class I took in university. The humor and sarcasm in it are just perfect and brilliant. Enjoy!
“My God, who wouldn’t want a wife ?” Yeah, I wanna get a wife too… Join me? 🙂
According to the dictionary, a wife is a “woman married to a man.” But, as many women know, a wife is much more: COO (Chief Operating Officer), housekeeper, nutritionist, chauffeur, friend, sex partner, valet, nurse, social secretary, ego-builder, and more. Rather than complains why she herself would like to have a wife.
I belong to that classification of people known as wives. I am a Wife. And, not altogether incidentally, I am a mother.
Not too long ago a male friend of mine appeared on the scene from the Midwest fresh from a recent divorce. He had one child, who is, of course, with his ex-wife. He is obviously looking for another wife. As I thought about him while I was ironing one evening, it suddenly occurred to me that I, too, would like to have a wife. Why do I want a wife?
I would like to go back to school, so that I can become economically independent, support myself, and, if need be, support those dependent upon me. I want a wife who will work and send me to school. And while I am going to school I want a wife to take care of my children. I want a wife to keep track of the children’s doctor and dentist appointments. And to keep track of mine, too. I want a wife to make sure my children eat properly and are kept clean. I want a wife who will wash the children’s clothes and keep them mended. I want a wife who is a good nurturing attendant to my children, arranges for their schooling, makes sure that they adequate social life with their peers, takes them to the park, the zoo, etc. I want a wife who takes care of the children when they are sick, a wife who arranges to be around when the children need special care, because, of course, I cannot miss classes at school. My wife must arrange to lose time at work and not lose the job. It may mean a small cut in my wife’s income from time to time, but I guess I can tolerate that. Needless to say, my wife will arrange and pay for the care of the children while my wife is working.
I want a wife who will take care of my physical needs. I want a wife who will keep my house clean. A wife who will pick up after my children, a wife who will pick up after me. I want a wife who will keep my clothes clean, ironed, mended, replaced when need be, and who will see to it that my personal things are kept in their proper place so that I can find what I need the minute I need it. I want a wife who cooks the meals, a wife who is a good cook. I want a wife who will plan the menus, do the necessary grocery shopping, prepare the meals, serve them pleasantly, and then do the cleaning up while I do my studying. I want a wife who will care for me when I am sick and sympathize with my pain and loss of time from school. I want a wife to go along when our family takes a vacation so that someone can continue to care for me and my children when I need a rest and a change of scene.
I want a wife who will take care of details of my social life. When my wife and I are invited out by my friends, I want a wife who will take care of the babysitting arrangements. When I meet people at school that I like and want to certain, I want a wife who will have the house clean, will prepare a special meal, serve it to me and my friends, and not interrupt when I talk about the things that interest me and my friends. I want a wife who will have arranged that the children are fed and ready for bed before my guests arrive so that the children do not bother us. I want a wife who takes care of the needs of my guests so that they feel comfortable, who makes sure that they have an ashtray, that they are passed the hors d’oeuvre, that they helping of the food, that their wine glasses are replenished when necessary, that their coffee is served to them as they like it. And I want a wife who knows that sometimes I need a night to by myself.
I want a wife who is sensitive to my sexual needs, a wife who makes love passionately and eagerly when I feel like it, a wife who makes sure that I am satisfied. And, of course, I want a wife who will not demand sexual attention when I am not in the mood for it. I want a wife who assumes the complete responsibility for birth control, because I do not want more children. I want a wife who will remain sexually faithful to me so that I do not have to clutter up my intellectual life with jealousies. And I want a wife who understands that my sexual needs may entail more than strict adherence to monogamy. I must, after all, be able to relate to people as fully as possible.
If, by chance, I find another person more suitable as a wife than the wife I already have, I want the liberty to replace my present wife with another one. Naturally, I will expect a fresh, new life; my wife will take the children and be solely responsible for them so that I am left free.
When I am through with school and have acquired a job, I want my wife to quit working and remain at home so that my wife can more fully and completely take care of a wife’s duties.
My God, who wouldn’t want a wife ?
This article by Judy Syfers appeared in the premier issue of Ms. magazine back in 1971.
Welcome to Year 2008! Introducing the BOYFRIEND VENDING MACHINE – the latest and greatest invention of the century, specially for the ladies…
Ladies, simply follow our easy FIVE-STEP procedure to create your perfect dream boyfriend!
STEP ONE – Basic Information:
a) Select Gender (Yes, recognizing the personal needs of our female customers, we do make “girlfriends” too.)
b) Select Age (due to legal issues, we regret that we cannot make boyfriends younger than the age of 18.)
c) Nationality (you name it – we can make it happen.)
d) Date of Birth (You can choose whichever date you prefer for his birthday. However, due to extreme high demand, surcharges apply to popular dates like Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Day, and Christmas.)
STEP TWO – Physical Appearance:
a) Select Sizes (The size of each body part can be accustomed precisely to satisfy your personal needs and preferences. )
b) Select Colors (All body parts come in a wide spectrum of color choices. Showcase your personal taste and individuality.)
STEP THREE – Personality Traits and Desirable Behaviors:
Now you can have a boyfriend who is affectionate at all time (even when you don’t want sex). He gives warm, loving hugs and sweet kisses whenever you want one. Thanks to our built in alarm function that allows you to set the time and frequency you want a hug or a kiss (or both).
Have other needs or preferences? Don’t worry. Your satisfaction and happiness are our top priorities. With more than 1000 personality traits and behaviors to choose from, we are certain that we can make your dream boyfriend a reality!
And yes, we can even make a boyfriend who cooks! Right now, you can only choose from Chinese, Japanese, Western, and Italian cuisines. We are working on providing you with more menu choices from other countries.
STEP FOUR – Payment Options
We accept all major credit cards and cash.
STEP FIVE – Enjoy your newly created, “fresh-fr0m-the-oven,” and perfect boyfriend.
All products come with a 30-day no-questions-asked money back guarantee. 🙂
IMPORTANT NOTICE: All of our products are strictly sold to FEMALE customers only.
I found a surprise letter in my mailbox. Yes, I mean a handwritten, old fashioned two-page long letter, delivered to my house with care by the mailman. (Yes, don’t be overly surprised – some people do still write letters nowadays.)
It was from a guy whom I hadn’t spoken to in three months, ever since I moved to another state.
In the fully written two-page letter, he listed eight “wonderful and rather unique” qualities he had observed in me (in eight separate paragraphs). It was an extremely well composed letter – no spelling or grammatical errors.
I have to say I was quite touched (and flattered) by the kind words in his letter. Yet, I couldn’t help but laughed out loud after reading it.
That wasn’t the first time he did something “like that.” Sending mixed signals. Being all confusing. “Toying” with my emotions. Trying to pretend that he’s Romeo.
This happened to be the same guy who sent me roses to my work place on my birthday. The same guy who asked me out on a date on Valentine’s Day. The same guy who took me to his company annual Christmas party. The same guy who brought me home on Thanksgiving to meet his entire family. The same guy who told me I was wonderfully unique and every man’s dream-come-true.
Coincidentally, he was also the same guy who told me he wasn’t sure if he “loves” me or “likes”me. The same guy who wasn’t sure if we should be more than friends. The same guy who disappeared on me for no apparent reason for three whole weeks. The same guy who told me he needed some quiet time with God so he could get a definite sure “yes” from God to date me. The same man who told me he wasn’t sure if he was ready for a “serious” relationship.
The funniest part of all: till now, he kind of believes that my entire world is waiting for him and my life happiness solely depends on his existence.
Perhaps that’s why he felt obligated to check on me from time to time, by surprise… (Let’s see if she’s still alive without me in her life…)
The fact is: I have moved on long, long, long time ago. He is as ancient as a dinosaur to me.
An intelligent woman simply does not put her life (and happiness) on hold because of a man. Especially not a man who is wishy washy and not “man” enough to make up his mind.
My sincere advice to all women: If a man cannot seem to decide if he wants you or not (sending all sorts of mixed signals and acting indecisively), go ahead and make a decision FOR HIM.
He does not deserve you. Wave your hand at him and say goodbye forever. Do not invest another second on him. Do not look back. As simple as that.