Love or Compatibility?

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It started with Jasmine’s proposal to Honey Bee to date some older women for research and blogging purposes:

Jasmine: well… since dating older women is a popular trend now, i was just curious to know how it’s like. I thought you would too.

Honey bee: why don’t u date a schoolboy and find out?

Jasmine: i would…but that’s illegal.

Honey bee: i m not curious. Get one who’s 18.

Jasmine: even that… i won’t consider. Not even 23.

Honey bee: y?

Jasmine: not even 24. get it now?

Honey bee: ahh, immaturity

Jasmine: Why would I find someone to babysit when i have lots of real babies and kids to play with?

i am not into babysitting big babies

Honey bee: n someone said i was picky

u just took one big baby for ring shopping that day.

Jasmine: yea…that’s for charity. He was getting ready to propose to his gf and I got to pick out the ring. And he is 28, by the way.

Honey bee: 28 is still too young?

Jasmine: it’s not about numbers. You didn’t see how he acted at the jewelry store. i almost walked out.

Honey bee: really? what did he do?

Jasmine: You would think if someone is ready to propose and get a ring, he would have done some basic research. Come on… google about rings. Or at least find out what style she likes. I don’t mean to know the exact ring she wants. But at least have a basic idea.

Honey bee: yup i agree

does he have the ring size?

Jasmine: there…!!! you just nailed it.

no ring size!

Honey bee: haha

Jasmine: and we were there to buy an engagement ring…hello??? What was he thinking?

Honey bee: he was also wasting your time

Jasmine: sigh…steal a ring from her jewelry box.

measure her finger when she’s asleep.

cut her finger.

just do something

Honey bee: yeah… just do n imprint will do

Jasmine: sometimes little things show a lot about someone

Honey bee: it does

especially to women

Jasmine: it made me wonder… did he wake up one morning and thought it would be a great day to buy a ring?

Honey bee: women are more meticulous

maybe he did

Jasmine: ask u one question. is it love or compatibility? which one?

Honey bee: what do u mean?

Jasmine: when two people decide to be together, “fall” in love and get married. which one is more important? love or compatibility?

Honey bee: initially love

then some level of compatibility will develop or else they would fall out of love

Jasmine: aha

Honey bee: its like an orbital thing

boy meet girl

boy falls in love w girl

boy n girl dates

know more abt each other

helps each other grow.

if the balance tips, then sooner or later they will fall out

i think it is a complimentary relationship

Jasmine: see… something is really wrong with me…i have long since believe in that “routine”

although i know that’s how things work most of the time

Honey bee: not always

that’s a common way of looking at it

it could work in reverse

or it could start in the middle

there are not hard n fast rules

Jasmine: the problem with feelings and love is… they come and go

Honey bee: yup, the real test is after the feeling is gone

Jasmine: exactly…

Honey bee: companionship comes in

Jasmine: so the way i like to put it is: fall in love for the right reasons

Honey bee: u still enjoy each others company n do things together. well, sometimes u r not in control when it comes to love.

now it’s the question of logic vs feelings

Jasmine: yes and no. because if you know what you are looking for, you are naturally attracted to some people and not others

when you don’t know what you want, then you don’t stand a chance of falling in love for the right reasons.

Well folks out there, what’s your say on this?

Girl Earns More Than the Guy…

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My close friend, Alice, is having a cold war with her hubby, and it has lasted for two weeks now. The issue? MONEY. She got promoted at work and now she makes more ‘blink blink’ than he does.

Who knew a little extra money could create such a rife?

No doubt, money is a reality and a necessity. In fact, money is the symbol for success, security, status, independence, control, competence, comfort, and the list just goes on and on.

Women who think that “Yeah, I make more money than he does, but we’re living in the new millennium. What’s the big deal?” need to rethink that. No matter how much he loves you, the issue of money is the issue of EGO.

Men want to be providers because it is a caveman instinct. They hunt for the food and women take care of the kids. No matter how much society has changed, that part is still a strong part of their DNA.

Being a provider gives him a sense of identity, a purpose of existence, a motivation to face challenges everyday, a goal to work hard for, and a great sense of accomplishment when he succeeds in doing that. To him, providing for his family is the most direct, practical, and genuine way of saying “I love you” and “I honor my commitment to my marriage and family.”

Well, this is an ego thing and you got to live with it.

Is He for Keeps? 10 Qualities of an Ideal Guy

 

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1.) Optimistic and Great Sense of Humor

He has a positive outlook on life, even when things aren’t bright and sunny. He always makes you laugh with his great sense of humor. Most of the time, he is someone who is very fun and enjoyable to be with.

2.) Faithful/Loyal and Committed

He is someone who is reliable and trustworthy. You know deep down in your heart that you can always count on him for support, understanding, and comfort. Most importantly, you can trust him that he won’t deliberately do things or make decisions that would hurt you or the relationship/marriage.

3.) Great Communication Skills

He listens empathetically and patiently to the things you say without being judgmental. He tries to see things from your point of view before providing solutions or advice. He is able to get his message across and conveys his thoughts effectively.

4.) Respect You and Treat You as an Equal Partner

He values your opinions and genuinely wants to understand your thoughts. He discusses things with you before making important decisions. He respects you, your family, your friends, your choices, your career, and your space/privacy.

5.) Affectionate, Sensitive, and Romantic

He expresses his love and care for you through simple, affectionate gestures like hugs, kisses, holding hands, calls, sweet little notes/cards, saying “I love you,” and etc. He is attentive and sensitive to your needs, and he cheerfully does little things to make you happy and loved and cared for.

6.) Appreciative and Forgiving

He doesn’t take you or the relationship/marriage for granted. He appreciates you and the things you do for him on a daily basis. He doesn’t hold grudges when you unintentionally hurt his feelings or make mistakes. He forgives and moves on.

7.) Love You Just the Way You Are

You are good enough just the way you are – in fact, in his eyes, you are the best. He accepts you as a total package – the good and the not-so-good. He helps and encourages you to learn and grow to your fullest potential, instead of molding you to become the “dream girl” or “ideal wife” in his fantasy.

8.) Financially Responsible

Notice I didn’t mention “financially wealthy” – I said “financially responsible.” You don’t have to be a millionaire or make 500k a year. It’s not about how much money you make but rather how well you manage what you have – making wise financial decisions, plans, and investments.

9.) Passionate about Life

He has other passions in life other than you, for example his work, hobbies, interests, friends, family, religious beliefs, and etc. He takes good care of himself and doesn’t rely on you entirely for his happiness. He deeply believes and feels that life is wonderful and worth living and he’s committed to life long learning and self development.

10.) Confident and Competent

He is confident, but not arrogant. Men are born leaders, protectors, and providers (at least they deeply believe they are) – we all know that. It’s nothing new. However, in order for a woman to genuinely and deeply admire, adore, and respect her man, he has to be competent to begin with. That doesn’t mean he has to perfect (everybody makes mistakes) or has supernatural powers. But he kind of has to know what he’s doing.

How to Tell a Girl That You Like Her

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You have known a girl for a while or you’ve just met a girl and think that she’s the one. You want to tell her you like her. Before you take the plunge, here are some things you might want to consider:

1. Prepare yourself. Do whatever it takes to make you feel confident of yourself. You don’t have to be as good looking as Tom Cruise or George Clooney but you must look presentable.

2. Know what you want to say beforehand. Be confident and sure of yourself. That alone would speak volumes for you.

3. Whether her response is positive, negative or indifferent, be ready for whatever comes. Being poise and calmly help you get into her good books eventually. Whining like a sore loser will not change the situation if things are not working out.

4. Be frank and straight to the point. Being wishy-washy and beating around the bush will make you look like a wimp. Once you are in front of her, you have already committed yourself to telling her how you feel.

5. Never make her feel like she owes you anything. She will become really uncomfortable. Anyway, nobody owes you anything.

6. Always be prepared to lose her. If she does not reciprocate your feelings, take it like a man. It’s not the end of the world. There are many more fishes in the sea. Unless of course, if you live in a small village in the Amazon jungle where there are only two females – the girl you are targeting and her grandmother.

7. Your life must not revolve around her and her alone. If you don’t have a life, get a life. Having other interests and hobbies will make you look more appealing and multi-dimensional.

8. The biggest no-no before the start of a relationship is to fantasize about your ‘girl to be’ before anything serious or romantic happens. You don’t want the girl to get the impression that you are a desperate or worse, a sexual deviant.

9. Never ever come on too strong. Most often than not, men likes to jump the gun. Often impatient, they want to move to third base before they even start pitching [see no. 8 above].

10. The best way to express your feelings is through your action because action speaks louder than words. Make her feel your emotions and she will express her love for you. Patience is a virtue. Make use of it.

Should a Woman Ask a Guy Out On a Date?

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There are two differing schools of thought on this. The first school advocates that the GUY should take the first initiatives and should call and ask the girl for a date.

The other school, more apparent in recent times, has a more liberal view where either party may the first move, depending on the situation.

What if you wait for him to ask you out but he never does? Does it mean, he is not into you? Or is he plainly shy? Or he is a novice at the dating game and knows not what to do?

Through forums and interviews with men on the idea of being asked out on a date, the response is pretty positive. Most of the men I have spoken to actually welcome the idea.

Like men, women also fear rejection when asking men out. They also risk being perceived as desperate, which would not necessarily be the case. Most men will think that you are sure of yourself and just getting what you want.

It also takes lots of pressure off men. A lot of men do not have a clue on dating women.

If you feel that it’s a lot of hard work asking a guy out, you could drop some subtle hints. Make as if you are helping him to date you by ‘opening the door’.

You could try something like “how about we get together for coffee some time?” Leave your contact number and walk away.
It might take a while before he calls. Two to three weeks lead time is normal, because he might be busy and have stuffs to handle.

There are no hard and fast rules and the best is to play by ear.

Long Distance Relationships…the Pros and the Cons

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“Oceans apart, day after day and I slowly go insane, I hear your voice on the line but it doesn’t stop the pain.

I see you next to never, how can we say forever”

Richard Marx’s rendition of Right Here Waiting speaks volumes for long distance relationships.

But, just like other kinds of relationships, I believe long distance relationships can survive if both parties make the effort to keep the spark alive.

If you ask those people who have been in long distance relationships before, they would most likely mention about the tears, the loneliness, the heartaches, the misunderstandings, the sleepless nights, the I-miss-him/her-so-much syndrome, and the long phone calls.

On the other side, successful long distance relationships which ended in rewarding, satisfying partnerships and happy marriages do exist in reality and are no fairy tales.

Long distance relationships aren’t for everybody. If you are someone who ranks physical intimacy over emotional connection, long distance relationships may be extremely challenging to you.

Or perhaps you are someone who treasures spending quality time and engaging in fun activities with your lover more so than having deep, meaningful conversations, exchanging thoughts and ideas, and sharing life experiences together, you might want to think twice before entering a long distance relationship.

However, if you believe he/she is “The-One” you have been waiting for all your life and you couldn’t possibly imagine finding someone else who touches your heart like he/she does, I would say: Be brave and go for it – don’t let the distance stop you. After all, it’s better to find out the answer yourself than to wonder about what-ifs or regret later in your life.

Pros:

1.) The passion is more manageable.

Since you don’t see each other often, you are more likely to be able to keep the fire under control. The symptoms of infatuation in the early stage are less severe than an average relationship. You are also less likely to confuse lust with love.

2.) You really get to know someone at a deep, meaningful level and the emotional bonding is strong.

Many couples in a common relationship setting are merely “activity partners” during the courting stage. This is all they do: dine, wine, party, movies, and cuddle on the couch. They might see each other all the time but that doesn’t mean they really know and understand each other deeply. In a long distance relationship, you spend hours doing nothing but communicating, which then leads to a deeper, more fulfilling relationship.

3.) You learn to appreciate the precious moments you spend together and not take things for granted – the person you love and your relationship.

4.) You learn to be self content but also, at the same time, receive emotional support from the one you love and care.

5.) The both of you can focus on self development/career building. One should never stop growing and learning. Being in a long distance relationship allows you to maintain an active lifestyle and engage in various exciting programs, which will only enrich your life and make you that more attractive and intriguing.

6.) You build a strong trust foundation for the relationship, which is crucial in any relationship. You learn how to control your jealousy and not let your great imagination run wild. If you realize you can’t trust that person, no matter how hard you try or want to, that simply means your relationship is unhealthy to begin with – long distance or short distance.

Cons:

1.) Loneliness/emptiness. Yes, there will be tons of moments when you feel lonely and wish he/she was there with you, especially during those cold nights.

2.) Emotionally stressful. Face the truth, my friend – keeping a relationship alive across the miles is HARD WORK. Whoever tells you otherwise is a liar – don’t trust him and ever talk to him again.

3.) No physical intimacy. No hugs. No kisses. No holding hands. No cuddling in bed. No touch at all. Can you really survive?

4.) Misunderstandings and conflicts are often very challenging when they do happen. Or in some cases, they could even be irresolvable for days, weeks, or even months. Why? Imagine if he/she is upset with you and refuse to talk to you (won’t answer your calls, text messages or emails). Serious communication breakdown. What would you do? What could you do? You are miles away… It’s frustrating, isn’t it?

5.) You won’t be able to be there for each other during unpredictable events or crises, no matter how much you want to or wish to. Of course, you can always make arrangements to accommodate such situations. However, just keep the distance in mind – you won’t be able to be there for him/her immediately.

6.) Financial burden. Anticipate the high phone bills. And also, transportation funds to see your sweetheart, in person.

Long distance relationships can work. However, it takes an enormous amount of effort, commitment, trust, and love to succeed, not to mention mental maturity, emotional stability, and courage.

In most cases, when a long distance relationship breaks down or ends in failure, the couple puts the blame on the “distance.” However, I believe that the “distance” merely intensifies the core problem of the relationship – it itself is not the problem.

It (the distance) allows you to see the true problem of your relationship clearly and forces you to face it … for better, or for worse.

Am I In Love With Her?

 

 

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Mr. K confided in me about a girl he is crazy about. He longs to see this girl all the time and thinks of her all day long. He has known her for 10 years now, since puberty.He showered praises about her and wants her to be his girl friend. Thank you K, for your question.

I do not know how your relationship was with this girl back in school. How did she feel about you then? Have you been in contact ever since? How does she feel about you now? Men are brilliant in many things but when it comes to questions on love and that special someone, they can be a little lost and totally in the dark. I guess that is why they call this phenomenon “head over heels”.

I have been poised with questions like this many times. Boy goes to social function. Boy meets girl. Girl is nice, friendly, and polite to Boy and makes boy feel like a million dollars. Boy thinks about Girl day and night ever since. Boy conjures image of Girl being ‘his Girl’ and fantasizes about being with her all the time. Boy wants to make her happy forever. That is what Boy is conjuring in his mind.

Now, flip the coin over. Does Girl feel the same way as Boy does?

If the feeling is mutual, then, there is a possibility of something beautiful developing. But life doesn’t always work like that. That is why Shakespeare’s Mid Summer Night’s Dream is so real because the person you love may not love you back.

The precise definition for what Boy is going through is known as ‘infatuation’ which the Merriam Webster dictionary defines as “to fill with a foolish or excessive love or admiration”, which is exactly what Boy is going through.

This first stage of falling in love causes an unbearable attraction towards someone. It creates a chemical reaction in the body which makes Boy’s world go round, eyes sparkle and heart beats faster. Boy’s entire existence then depends on the sight of Girl, who triggered these reactions in Boy. As the addiction to the chemical grows stronger, Boy’s attraction becomes stronger.

At this stage Boy will do the most foolish acts imaginable. Infatuation = foolish or excessive love or admiration. Think about this for a moment. Stop conjuring images of the perfect love situation.

Does she know that you exist? If she does, does she care? Does she want you to be the man to make her ‘happy forever’? It is natural for someone who is infatuated to ‘jump the gun’ and have the whole situation blow up in his face.

First of all, you need to move away from the infatuation stage. Get a grip of yourself because, remaining in this stage clouds your judgment and frighten her away. You will come across as a stalker.

Make the initial contact. Test water. Make some excuses to call her. Don’t be too obvious. Then, if she responds well, ask her out for a date, preferably not the run-of-the-mill candle light dinner variety. Maybe something more unique like a visit to the aquarium or trying out a new restaurant [you must go check out the food at the restaurant, then pretend it’s your first time. That way, you won’t make a fool of yourself if the service there sucks or the food is inedible].

From here you will get an idea if she likes you and give you an opportunity to present yourself [yes, like a sales pitch. If you hate selling, that’s just too bad].

You will be able to gauge from your first date whether she is into you [at least some indication – refer to Jasmine’s entry to find out more]. If you can’t gauge, you must be some kind of a block head who have been living in a cave. Man, we are in the information era, where information is readily accessible, so don’t be a lazy dude and do your research.

Well, come back for more tips once you can get to this stage. It is not difficult but for some, it is not easy too. For you, you need to get pass your infatuations. Otherwise, it’s a no win situation.

Wise men say “only fools rush in…”